Faith

  2025/08/23

Category: Personal
Other Categories: Linux, Windows, All

I left a church at around age eight. Actually my father removed my brother and I from the church. This set me on a path in my life to find faith on my own. Sure my father was a good role model but no structured instruction was present. I entered the Navy and when you join the military they ask you your religious denomination and I said Protestant or specifically Southern Baptist. That is on my dog tags. But I started looking into eastern religions and philosophies since I was in the Navy stationed on Pearl Harbor in Hawaii with bookstores in Honolulu having such books. With Yin and Yang I liked the duality of what I found being the blending into a one. It is very much how I viewed and still do view marriage. Years passed and I started practicing mediation up until something happen one time that changed my life. I have not mediated since that day. I need to setup what led to it.

I moved to Virgina after the Navy to work for a DOD or Department Of Defense contractor. I left that job because I went on a job in Japan working on a aircraft carrier with all the senior contractors from various companies who all wanted to go to Japan I guess. But they were all really overweight as I was beginning to get with all the eating out and drinking we did. I decided I was slowly killing myself and needed to get away from it. I sold my place in Virgina and moved back to where I grew up. I eventually got a job with a textile company the entire family worked for at some point in their lives. But there was a woman that was involved in logistics I believe but she was playing up to me I thought. So rather than confront her openly potentially embarrassing both of us in front of people, I emailed and asked her if she was interested in me. Instead of responding with no and just saying sorry if you got that impression, she did nothing. I sent another one apologizing for sending the first one but still nothing from her. Third one I said I will never email you again and apologized again. A day or so later I went through an office were she and I were the only people in it and she was visible shaken with me being there. I apologized and left. The next day my supervisor approached me telling me she had told a manager I was sexually harassing her. I was completely surprised and asked if seeing a physiologist would help my situation. I was worried about my job. They could not get me an appointment with one for a month so I made one myself and paid for them. I printed out the emails and took them with me. I told him the story and he read the emails. He said there was nothing wrong with me but there was with her. He wrote a report and I took it back to work. I later found out she had filed sexual harassment charges against somebody before.

I used to meditate in what we called the bottom pastures and the family dog loved to play in the creek while I meditated. I tried to meditate a later day but I could not do it as usual because I was so upset. A woman had attacked who I was as a man. That bothered me so much. I kept trying to figure out why. I was crying and I was physically upset. I was beating myself up. I was feverishly asking myself what can I do. Thinking back suicide could have been an option but it never crossed my mind because I can not do that. But the guilt was overwhelming. I got to a point and the best way I can express what happened was Christ put his hand on my shoulder and said let go. Something in my mind comforted me enough to let go. Christ is my way of expressing it. I later discovered it was an ego dissolution or ego death. The feeling of oneness with the world was so overwhelming and I had a pure sense of love for everything. I can not overstate the feeling. It was life defining for me. The dog knew something was up when he saw me. I had never experienced something like that before.

That experience allowed me to define God and Christ to myself with such clarity. Faith in one's self is faith in God. I apologize for saying that but it is absolutely true. So define God as faith within yourself and see how your life opens up.

In summation, I have serious empathy in my personality. So I believe that fact allowed me to resolve the ego deletion more easily. It psychologically allowed me to confirm who I am, which was my aim at the time. I also have very strong intuition and through my experiences in my life I trust it. So I accomplished my goals with this not knowing the ego deletion would happen nor it would work or even what it was. We make choices in our lives and all I can say is trust that feeling you get. You may not know why you get it. But in reality you know if you really search yourself. Love is one of those feelings.

I did all this and a woman's scorn did it to me. I thank her for that.

Wish to add a comment? Please include your name to display in your comment or anonymous.

Your email address will never be shared with anyone.