Faith

  2025/08/23

Category: Personal
Other Categories: Linux, Windows, All

I left a church at around age eight. Actually my father removed my brother and I from the church. This set me on a path in my life to find faith on my own. Sure my father was a good role model but no structured instruction was present. I entered the Navy and when you join the military they ask you your religious denomination and I said Protestant or specifically Southern Baptist. That is on my dog tags. But I started looking into eastern religions and philosophies since I was in the Navy station in Hawaii with bookstores having a lot of such books. Yin and Yang I liked the duality of what I found being the blending into a one. It is very much how I viewed and still do view marriage. Years passed and I started practicing mediation up until something happen one time that changed my life. I have not mediated since that day. I need to setup what led to it.

I moved to Virgina after the Navy to work for a DOD or Department Of Defense Contractor. I left that job because I went on a job in Japan working on a aircraft carrier with all the senior contractors from various contractors who all wanted to go to Japan I guess. But they were all really overweight as I was beginning to get with all the eating out and drinking we did. I decided I was slowly killing myself and needed to get away from it. I sold my place in Virgina and moved back to where I grew up. I eventually got a job with a textile company the entire family worked for at some point in their lives. But there was a woman that was involved in logistics I believe and she was playing up to me I thought. So rather than confront her openly potentially embarrassing both of us in front of people I emailed and asked her if she was interested in me. Instead of responding with no and just saying sorry if you got that impression, she did nothing. I sent another one apologizing for sending the first one. Still nothing from her. Third one I said I will never email you again and apologized again. A day or so later I went through an office were she and I were the only people in it and she was visible shaken with me being there. I apologized and left. The next day my supervisor approached me telling me she was saying I was sexually harassing her. I was floored and asked if seeing a physiologist would help my situation. I was worried about my job. They could not get me an appointment for a month so I made one and paid for it myself. I printed out the emails and took them with me. I told him the story and he read the emails. He said there was nothing wrong with me but there was with her. He wrote a report and I took it back to work. I later found out she had filed sexual harassment against somebody before.

I used to meditate in what we called the bottom pastures and the family dog loved to play in the creek while I meditated. I tried to meditate a later day but I could not do it as usual because I was so upset. A woman had attacked who I was as a man. That bothered me so much. I kept trying to figure out why. I was crying and I was physically upset. I was beating myself up. I was feverishly asking myself what can I do. Thinking back suicide could have been an option but it never crossed my mind because I can not do that. The guilt was overwhelming. I got to a point and the best way I can express what happened was Christ putting his hand on my shoulder and saying let go. I later discovered it was an ego dissolution or ego death. The feeling of oneness with the world was so overwhelming and I had a pure sense of love for everything. I can not overstate the feeling. It was life defining for me. The dog knew something was up. I had never experienced a transcendence like that before.

That experience allowed me to define God and Christ to myself with such clarity. Faith in one's self is faith in God. I apologize for saying that but it is absolutely true. So define God as faith within yourself and see how your life opens up.

I did that and a woman's scorn did it to me.