Faith

  2025/08/23

Category: Personal
Other Categories: Linux, Windows, All

I left a church at around age eight. Actually my father removed my brother and I from the church. This set me on a path in my life to find faith on my own. Sure my father was a good role model but no structured instruction was present. I entered the Navy and when you join the military they ask you your religious denomination and I said Protestant or specifically Southern Baptist. That is on my dog tags. But I started looking into eastern religions and philosophies since I was in the Navy station in Hawaii with bookstores having a lot of such books. Yin and Yang I liked the duality of what I found being the blending into a one. It is very much how I viewed and still do view marriage. Years passed and I started practicing mediation up until something happen one time that changed my life. I have not mediated since that day. I need to setup what led to it.

I moved to Virgina after the Navy to work for a DOD or Department Of Defense Contractor. I left that job because I went on a job in Japan working on a aircraft carrier with all the senior contractors from various contractors who all wanted to go to Japan I guess. But they were all really overweight as I was beginning to get with all the eating out and drinking we did. I decided I was slowly killing myself and needed to get away from it. I sold my place in Virgina and moved back to where I grew up. I eventually got a job with a textile company the entire family worked for at some point in their lives. But there was a woman that was involved in logistics I believe and she was playing up to me I thought. So rather than confront her openly potentially embarrassing both of us in front of people I emailed and asked her if she was interested in me. Instead of responding with no and just saying sorry if you got that impression, she did nothing. I sent another one apologizing for sending the first one. Still nothing from her. Third one I said I will never email you again and apologized again. A day or so later I went through an office were she and I were the only people in it and she was visible shaken with me being there. I apologized and left. The next day my supervisor approached me telling me she was saying I was sexually harassing her. I was floored and asked if seeing a physiologist would help my situation. I was worried about my job. They could not get me an appointment for a month so I made one and paid for it myself. I printed out the emails and took them with me. I told him the story and he read the emails. He said there was nothing wrong with me but there was with her. He wrote a report and I took it back to work. I later found out she had filed sexual harassment against somebody before.

I used to meditate in what we called the bottom pastures and the family dog loved to play in the creek while I meditated. I tried to meditate a later day but I could not do it as usual because I was so upset. A woman had attacked who I was as a man. That bothered me so much. I kept trying to figure out why. I was crying and I was physically upset. I was beating myself up. I was feverishly asking myself what can I do. Thinking back suicide could have been an option but it never crossed my mind because I can not do that. The guilt was overwhelming. I got to a point and the best way I can express what happened was Christ putting his hand on my shoulder and saying let go. I later discovered it was an ego dissolution or ego death. The feeling of oneness with the world was so overwhelming and I had a pure sense of love for everything. I can not overstate the feeling. It was life defining for me. The dog knew something was up. I had never experienced a transcendence like that before.

That experience allowed me to define God and Christ to myself with such clarity. I feel of Christ as a brother. God to me is conceptualized in my mind. Christ is tangent and you can feel love for God though a love of Christ. But when I say God is conceptualized in the mind. Christians generally do not like that. But God is not tangent. You know of God by conceptualizing God in your mind. That is placing an extreme amount of responsibility on everyone for the existence of God. Yes you need an extreme amount of responsibility to define God for yourself. Faith in one's self is faith in God. I apologize for saying that but it is absolutely true. Christ is out there and can be touched but God is not. So define God as faith within yourself and see how your life opens up.

I did that and a woman's scorn did it to me.